Confessions of a Contented Stepmother - A Special Holiday Meditation

The holidays are almost here and my husband will depart for his annual pre-Christmas visit to his son and daughter-in-law's home to see the two grandsons (with another child on the way).   Our relationship started this way: splitting for a short period so that my boyfriend would spend time with his child. Then we got married and were together for the holidays at some point. That lasted about twenty years.  Aside from a few sympathy notes for the losses of his grandmother and grandfather, we are now back to square one for the last six years, "compartmentalizing."   And it's okay.  Perhaps, postmodern stepmothering should begin by acknowledging that "stepping" away from the nuclear family created by the previous marriage offers just the right breathing space for this relationship to find itself again - a bit altered, but still in tact.

Andy Warhol, Liz, 1965 (Kate Burton' stepmother)

Why write about this amiable compromise?  Because postmodern parenting should be open to renegotiations as children become grownups.  For, if a stepmother feels like an outsider, it's only fair to set boundaries, create a safe distance and encourage her husband to spend quality time with his kids and the grandkids on his own. Of course, it's up to the stepmother to feel sincerely content with this arrangement.

Adrien Broom, Snow White's Apple, 2015

Recently, the Hudson River Museum exhibited Envy: One Sin, Seven Stories, an installation of staged fairytales in photographs by Adrien Broom, featuring the best known evil stepmothers: Cinderella's and Snow White's.  Chilling, given the fact that a lot of children have stepparents.  An updated version would have been more imaginative - and engaging.

Today's fairytales are The Parent Trap and What a Girl Wants, i.e.,  the natural parent leaves the fiance/ee at the altar and reunites with the other natural parent so that everyone lives happily ever after.

So much for fiction.

In the real world, stepmothers may find the holidays sticky and icky. My solution may not be right for every blended family, but it's here as a suggestion for stepmothers already agonizing over how to keep things merry and bright.

Happy Holidays, Postmodern Mothers and Stepmothers - and take care,

Beth New York

What is a Postmodern Mom?

JT Morrow, Whistler's Mother Tweeting for WSJ, 

According to academics, "modernism" is about the new and improved: optimism facing the future. (South Pacific's Nellie Forbush singing "Cockeye Optimist.")

"Postmodernism" is self-critical, cynical and anxiety-ridden.  (The Good Wife with a dash Portlandia's political correctness.)

The Postmodern Mother worries about her performance.  Is she a good enough mother?  Does she sufficiently encourage her children to feel confident, empowered and gifted.

To that end, she navigates numerous high-stakes decisions. Car-talk with her children is her favorite pastime.

Her conscience dictates that she recycle, reuse and donate. She shops mainly at Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and the local Farmers' Market for nutritional value.  But, in truth, she adores fancy cakes and cookies from the local bakery.  (She is a hedonist when no one is looking.)

She can build self-esteem and complicated Lego kits.  She believes in the virtues of breast-feeding and clean, fresh air.   She extols "inclusiveness" from play-dates to proms - all from a comfortable co-op in the city or private home in the suburbs.

And when her perfect little Millennials grow up, she lovingly listens to their gender identity crises, their pansexual preferences, and their start-up fantasies propelled by social networking and personal branding. Her children are her passion (and hopefully her husband and career too).

The Postmodern Mom jogs, blogs and logs in to FB to see what her grandchildren ate for dinner. (If she doesn't have grandchildren, her children haven't friended her yet.)  She tweets occasionally, rarely bothering to see if anyone retweeted her post.

Yoga is her outlet.  Wine is her sedative.  Caffeine is her drug of choice.

And she is probably a stepmother too, because Baby-Boomers who had Gen-Xers changed partners pretty early on, producing Millennials the second time around.   

Of course, most of these attributes do not apply to me.  (I hate Whole Foods and rarely jog these days.) 

This blog is about the Good, the Bad and the Ugly sides of mothering in this Postmodern, relativist culture.  It is about the pressures of trying to be proactive (but not a Helicopter harridan), present but not pushy, a Tiger Mom with a playful disregard, and a judicious sage in the face of her children's preferred Authority Figure - the Internet,

Please join me, if you have been there and done that.
Fellow Postmodern Moms, Welcome!

Sincerely,
Beth New York