The holidays are almost here and my husband will depart for his annual pre-Christmas visit to his son and daughter-in-law's home to see the two grandsons (with another child on the way). Our relationship started this way: splitting for a short period so that my boyfriend would spend time with his child. Then we got married and were together for the holidays at some point. That lasted about twenty years. Aside from a few sympathy notes for the losses of his grandmother and grandfather, we are now back to square one for the last six years, "compartmentalizing." And it's okay. Perhaps, postmodern stepmothering should begin by acknowledging that "stepping" away from the nuclear family created by the previous marriage offers just the right breathing space for this relationship to find itself again - a bit altered, but still in tact.
Andy Warhol, Liz, 1965 (Kate Burton' stepmother)
Why write about this amiable compromise? Because postmodern parenting should be open to renegotiations as children become grownups. For, if a stepmother feels like an outsider, it's only fair to set boundaries, create a safe distance and encourage her husband to spend quality time with his kids and the grandkids on his own. Of course, it's up to the stepmother to feel sincerely content with this arrangement.
Adrien Broom, Snow White's Apple, 2015
Recently, the Hudson River Museum exhibited Envy: One Sin, Seven Stories, an installation of staged fairytales in photographs by Adrien Broom, featuring the best known evil stepmothers: Cinderella's and Snow White's. Chilling, given the fact that a lot of children have stepparents. An updated version would have been more imaginative - and engaging.
Today's fairytales are The Parent Trap and What a Girl Wants, i.e., the natural parent leaves the fiance/ee at the altar and reunites with the other natural parent so that everyone lives happily ever after.
So much for fiction.
In the real world, stepmothers may find the holidays sticky and icky. My solution may not be right for every blended family, but it's here as a suggestion for stepmothers already agonizing over how to keep things merry and bright.
Happy Holidays, Postmodern Mothers and Stepmothers - and take care,
Beth New York
